Dude, Where’s my MOJO?

Similarly to what happened to Austin Powers, I do believe that my MOJO has been stolen… but the bandit might be ME.

Is it strange that I am 28 years old, in the best shape of my life, incrementally achieving more and more then ever before and yet…I feel as if I have lost my MOJO? (correction – my mother just called to tell me that I’m actually 29 years old…oops!)

First of all – let’s clarify – MOJO is a slang word for self-confidence, self-esteem or sex appeal! Mainly, I am referring to the sex appeal but really all manners of referring to lost MOJO here are relative to me.

The back-story: Last week, I had a meltdown. Yes, the devil face came out in all of its glory and I was no longer myself. I had morphed into a tattered, stress-monger version of ME. You know – that person that gives a loud sigh of annoyance (passive aggressive anyone?) instead of speaking up about what is really eating them?

I was on the R&R week from group training but still needing to maintain certain mileage goals (which I did), I had midterms for all 3 of my classes (the 4th class was only half the term), I am now driving Nola to and from school (my husband has found his “thing” in biking to work!), I had been planning our budget to know we are still on point for leaving Okinawa debt-free (money always stresses me) and somehow pay for this Honolulu marathon “vacation” in December, planning meals (every 5 days I might add)…and feeling like I was the only one doing EVERYTHING…well, I was just plain old worn the hell out!

Next thing I know, everything annoyed me…

When mommy's unhappy, 'aint nobody happy!

Even though (thank goodness for him) Shane was putting all the dishes away from the washer – he was somehow putting them in all the wrong places…ME – Annoyed! Nola (the fiery little thing) was seriously fussy every day when we came home – ME – Annoyed! I have lost so much weight that none of my clothes fit me. My butt is constantly munching on my oversized granny panties, my jeans are all giving me the saggy butt look and my prepubescent boobs – well, not much to say there that hasn’t already been said in previous posts… ME – ANNOYED! Mojo – nowhere to be found. Just the thought of having to be affectionate or intimate made me automatically hear the words; “I’m too tired” coming from my mouth.

Finally, I had to take a step back and realize that I just needed a day off. I realized that I wasn’t even looking forward to my daily activities. I was waking up at 5 am to run, coming home before Shane left to hop in the shower and then get the little monkey to school by 7:30am, clocking into my study room by 9am and staying there until 4ish when I needed to leave for picking up the Monkey, cooking, cleaning up and then bathing the little monkey (Shane puts her to bed), then getting back to the study room until 8ish when I then crash into the bed – to do it all over again the next day!

I was looking at each day sort of systematically, checklist in hand; ready to check things off one by one. “Have sex with husband” was not on the checklist. “Make time for doing nothing” was not on the list and neither was anything else that resembled normal life. The relationship that Shane and I used to share was nowhere to be found as far as personal or alone time goes. We sort of just made motions towards each other, little butt-taps and smooches hello and goodbye but in the end we were just seeing each other in passing.

I took Thursday off and just sat on the couch, ate an entire Giant size box of Hot Tamales and then went shopping for some clothes. I found 1 pair of Capri’s and a pair of shorts and tops to match both! ME – getting happier and definitely less stressed. I never once logged into any of my classes nor did I crack open a textbook. Friday, I decided to continue this effort of doing nothing this day. I felt great by the time the weekend rolled around. I apologized to my husband for being such a pain over the last few weeks and especially the last week. We talked it all out and he showed me that I put all of this pressure on myself, no one else does. He also completely saw me heading for disaster w/ my high stress levels and wasn’t going to add to them by trying to keep me up passed my 8pm bedtime (I need more sleep these days) w/ pleas for intimacy.

**Don’t get me wrong here, we have always had and still do have an amazing private (it will stay that way) life – but I feel like I can’t say I lost my mojo and not honestly talk about this being affected. This is a reality – this is how life can get away from us if we aren’t willing to acknowledge and then TALK about this stuff. I am sure that other people have experienced this very same issue – especially after having your first child**

I realize now that through all of my goal setting and over achieving I have slowly killed the fun me that wanted to achieve all of this in the first place. The important thing for me to keep in mind here is that I am the one driving this train; I’m not the passenger. If scheduling “down” time is what I need to do – then so be it. (I am so Type-A, I have to schedule down time!) But loosing myself to stress so much so that I can’t even look in the mirror and feel good about the body I have, feel good about the goals and milestones I am meeting, feel good about the amazing husband I have and have the energy for showing him some affection… then what is it all for?

NOW – I am making Thursday’s mandatory chill out days and movie nights. Friday’s are my rest days from working out – which mean I get to have a chill out day and then follow it up by sleeping in!

I’ll admit that I waited until we were laying in bed…in complete darkness…me with my thoughts and Shane trying to fall asleep…I piped up and just started talking. We stayed up until 11pm that night… well, I stayed up chattering away about all the things I had been feeling and how terrible I knew I was being but I just couldn’t figure out any other way to be at the moment. Like, I was watching my own train wreck and helpless to prevent it. Shane, I think, was somewhere between stage 2 and stage 3 sleep part way through my late night confessional! But in the end it felt so much better to just get it all out – even if it meant I had to admit all of the wrong doing and grovel some. My husband is undoubtedly the most even keel person I have ever known, endlessly sympathetic and always supportive.  I’m always amazed at the power one conversation can have. So, if you are reading this and can relate…I suggest just start by speaking up about just one thing that might be festering in there and the rest will come.

Resolution: I am much happier about my mandatory down time. I am always refreshed and ready for the weekend of family time and my Long Slow Runs. My MOJO is making a comeback one new panty purchase at a time! As for Shane – well, unfortunately for him the week I made my confession and we decided to make more time for “us” also happened to be close to “that time of the month” – so his happy ending will be…um, next week!

MOMENT of ZEN!

PAL Award and the Bronze Award!

T-Shirt!

My Presidential Awards and T-Shirt finally came! YAY for an active lifestyle and you better believe these awards are getting inserted into my Curriculum Vitae! Or as I like to call my Lifestyle Resume!

In the end – we have to make sure and maintain a healthy relationship with ourselves and our loved ones in order to truly reap the benefits of life! If taking two chill days a week makes me a better wife, mother, student, runner and person than I think that is a small price to pay for my MOJO being returned to me! I am learning so much this year! I now see that sometimes doing nothing at all can do amazing things for you in the end!

Miles ran last week: 23.10

Miles ran YTD: 194.08

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Momma
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 20:39:14

    Always remember that our children are usually always reflecting our mood, so if we don’t like the mood our kids are in, then we should take a look at the way we are feeling. These (believe it or not) are the best years of your life, so you need to take time EVERYDAY to enjoy your family, our babies grow up so very very fast and it is gone before we know it and then we are left with our memories, we want them to be memories that we enjoy having as much as we enjoyed those times.

    Reply

  2. deana
    Jul 21, 2011 @ 11:53:42

    Been there done that… I give u props for sharing it. I think many of us are overachievers, taking a step back, and concentrating on living in the moment are keys to my mental sanity. 🙂

    Reply

  3. There She Goes
    Jul 21, 2011 @ 11:58:11

    Thanks Deana! Haven’t heard from you in a while!

    Reply

  4. Aimee
    Jul 29, 2011 @ 00:09:50

    I can’t believe your putting 8+ hours into school a day. CRAZY!!!! Your doing great and there is no shame in putting running on the back burner. You sound burnt out. After two marathons last year I have no desire to train for OCT and I haven’t I think I am going to call it off because I just don’t have the desire to go through that time allotment. I will stick to my crossfit classes plus Chad will be gone again during the 2 months up to the marathon. Don’t feel bad if you have to put things on hold especially if you are about to make a huge life change (i.e. moving to another country). Sometimes we push to hard towards balance and tip the scales the other direction. You’ll figure it out but don’t sacrifice your relationships and mental health doing so. Love ya girlie miss ya.

    Reply

    • There She Goes
      Jul 29, 2011 @ 07:57:11

      I am definitely burnt out on school – not training! Mid-terms always make me crazy and it seems like after having a good freak out it renews my sense of purpose and drive! Lol! I’m not sure how that works but it just does! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with all of this – Marathon in December, Graduating in January and then moving out of this sauna in March or April! I noticed that you hadn’t been posting much about running lately so I wasn’t sure if you were just taking a time out or cutting back a little. How is school for you? AND YES – everything gets harder when the husbands are away – even though Shane is home from deployment they now have him scheduled to be gone in 3-4 week intervals for training or conferences until we PCS out of here. Luckily nothing has come up that will interfere with the marathon though. Keep in touch – I always love to hear from you! And I always listen to your advice whether I tell you so or not! ;o)

      Reply

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